| Some things I never need to see again |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|07:40 am] |
Man, people are douchebags. I got ambushed by a YouTube video of some animal trainer getting his arm bitten off by a crocodile. I forget what country it was from, but it was some kind of seaworld-like show, where this guy in a wetsuit is doing a "trick" with the croc, which promptly snaps his jaw shut while the guy's hand was in its mouth. And then it starts doing the death roll.
I am one person who does not like gore. Fortunately, most of the gore was not in the video, since the majority of it was either cut or the guy with the camera stopped shooting after the crocodile started rolling around. Still, I have one image burned into my brain of the crocodile shaking its head back and forth as it's ripping the arm off. Thanks. I needed that like a tumor.
And then a couple weeks later, I see the same footage on a commercial for one of those "astonishing videos" programs. It was the footage of the guys getting his hand chomped and the beginning of the death roll. ON THE COMMERCIAL! That still gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Although, I have to say that, while I should be more grossed out by the guy getting his arm ripped off, I'm having a hard time saying whether I'd rather watch Two Girls One Cup over watching a croc bite. That is one video I don't EVER need to see, even though, technically, it should be less disturbing.
I didn't even like the Crocodile Hunter, even though I knew that there was zero chance of seeing anything gross. Still, I don't need to see people interacting with dangerous animals. I fucking hate that we have these programs now where these guys camp out in bear or lion territory. I like the old nature programs where the camera guys would film from a safe distance, so that I could watch from the even safer distance of my living room. I can watch a gazelle getting attacked by a crocodile, but not a person.
Oh, and that's another thing. Why is it that the people who can watch this sort of stuff are often also the same people who have dry heaves if they see a bucket of KFC? "Oh my god! Animal bones! I think I'm going to be sick. Oh wait, did that guy get his leg bitten off by that alligator? Awesome!" WHAT THE FUCK?! What planet do I live on?! How come I can eat a bacon double cheeseburger without a guilty conscience, and I'm the one who gets sick at the sight of gore? Something's wrong here.
I didn't even laugh at the guy who got eaten off the toilet in Jurassic Park. I was too busy sinking into my theater seat, trying to distance myself from the fake animal on the screen. The only reason I don't flinch at that anymore is because I've seen it at least a dozen times. And there's no graphic mutilation, which also kind of helps.
It also helps that I didn't believe for a second that the animals would behave that way. I'm going digress here for a second, but one of the things that always bothered me about the Jurassic Park movies is how aggressive the animals are. How many times do they need to eat in one night? That T-rex ate a goat and a lawyer, and it was still chasing the heroes in a Jeep. They even brought this up in Jurassic Park 2. After two T-rex adults ate Richard Schiff, they said that the animals won't hunt if they're not hungry. Apparently, they didn't see the first film.
But that franchise is another rant in itself.
I can't watch most horror films, because of how squeamish I am about people getting disembodied and torn apart. I don't need to see people's eyes getting gouged out or fingers getting cut off. Hostel. Saw. See No Evil. I never need to see these films.
I won't even watch Faces Of Death, even though I know that movie is fake. I am that much of a pussy when it comes to human mutilation.
I'm not a total wuss, though. I can watch the average action film, like Die Hard, and never be bothered by people getting shot or trailing blood. I don't want it to sound like I'm horrified by the majority of action films out there, because I'm not. Even Star Wars doesn't bother me, and that's a movie franchise notorious for heads and arms getting chopped off. Again, it helps that you never see dangling piece of flesh. I think that's what it can be reduced to; I can't stand the sight of torn human flesh. There's just something about the mutilation of the human body that I cannot stand, and I don't think I ever want to desensitized to that.
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On a brighter note, I saw something else this morning that, in retrospect, I didn't need to see. See, I was up early, due to Daylight Saving Time fucking up my sleep schedule. Hello, 4am. Anyway, I saw that Rollerball was on Impact, so I quickly booted up the Rollerball commentary from DVD PodBLAST and synced it up with my cable. The commentary was great, but I think I may have a new official "worst movie ever seen", because this movie was fucking AWFUL.
It may not be worse than Dude, Where's My Car, but I never saw that film to completion. I walked out on it fifteen minutes into the film. To date, it's the only film I ever walked out on. Although, if I had seen Brothers Solomon in theaters, I'm pretty sure I would have walked on that one, too. Actually, Brothers Solomon may still be my candidate for worst movie ever.
I came close to walking out on Blade and The Matrix. More so Blade, because I just fucking hate Wesley Snipes and everything he does. The only reason I don't like The Matrix is because I fucking hate solipsism. And yeah, I know I'm oversimplifying the movie, but it still has that element of "your mind exists, but everything around you doesn't." To me, this is ham-handed philosophical masturbation. Poo on that, I say.
Anyway, getting back to Rollerball, I should have known just from the cast that this was going to hurt. LL Cool J and Chris Klein. Right there is a solid argument against anyone who ever wants to see this film. Actually, I'll go a little easy on LL Cool J, since he appears as though he just hasn't gotten a good break, and he dies in the film. Chris Klein, on the other hand, just can't act, and no matter what facial expression he makes, he always looks like a tool.
In fact, Chris Klein has the most unconvincing face stubble ever in this film. Seriously, it looked like they colored his peach fuzz with Just For Men beard dye. It was also the most perfectly groomed stubble you'll ever see. Apparently he didn't have time to shave, even though it looks like he took the time to trim it so that it wasn't halfway up his cheeks, like normal stubble would be. Or maybe they just carefully applied Moss-Man-like fuzz to his face, since his skin is like that of a baby's bottom and thus incapable of growing hair, aside from whatever hideous haircut he happens to have.
This movie is incomprehensible. It's some kind of roller derby thing where the combatants skate around an arena and try to score by lobbing a metal ball at a target. Apparently, the rules are non-existent enough that you have one guy riding a motorcycle around the arena, but there are still penalties. I don't get it.
And if that isn't enough, there's like a ten-minute chase scene in the movie that is filmed entirely in night vision. Why? I don't know! The PodBLAST commentary suggested that they may have just run out of money or didn't want to light the scene, so they did it in night vision. I'm guessing they were trying to do something fresh and edgy, but it's so random and unnecessary. It doesn't even suggest to the viewer that these guys are in near complete darkness, which would be the only reason for doing a scene like that.
The only redeeming thing about this movie is that you get to see Rebecca Romijn's boobs, and I'm not even sure if I would say it was worth it for that.
There were also a few WWE cameos in this film. Shane McMahon appears in one scene, and ECW promoter Paul Heyman is the play-by-play announcer throughout the film. It's without surprise that WWE would be involved in this film, because now that I think about it, this movie has about the same plot as No Holds Barred, the Hulk Hogan film, in which Hulkster takes on an evil television producer, who is sponsoring a UFC-like promotion against the more mundane wrestling program. (Strangely prophetic, no?) Even the ending is kind of similar, where the star breaks free from the arena and goes after the promoter in the control room.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but No Holds Barred is actually the better film of the two.
And SPEAKING of No Holds Barred, it's a shame that it never came out on DVD, because that's one movie I would have enjoyed getting the PodBLAST treatment. Actually, DVD PodBLAST never did any of the Hogan films. What the fuck is up with that? I know they could have done Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny, or 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. I would rather watch any of those than Rollerball.
On a final note, it does seem as though our worst fears have come true. The DVD PodBLAST website went down last month, and I just had an email exchange with William Koenig confirming that the website is gone for good. I know they said that they'd stop at 100, but they teased the possibility of one more for the hell of it at some point. Looks like that's never going to happen.
So, if I ever want to see funny movie commentary again, it looks like I'm stuck with Riff Trax. Yay.
In retrospect, I think I could stand to watch Chris Klein getting mauled by a crocodile. Maybe their mutual awfulness would just cancel each other out. |
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