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Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron get owned at UCLA [Nov. 29th, 2009|04:26 pm]
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Pop-apologist Ray Comfort and his lap dog Kirk Cameron attempted to pass out their vandalized edition of Origin Of Species a day earlier than they said they would (to avoid protest groups, apparently) and ended up getting owned for their efforts. And fortunately for us, a good deal of it was captured on video.

In this first video, Comfort goes into full apologist mode by accosting someone for believing in evolution and then shifting the debate to religion, because he really just wants to proselytize. Later, he starts throwing a hissy fit because other people are interjecting, because Comfort is a pussy. He doesn't like having to debate with more than one person, because he's not interested in debating the facts. Instead, he wants to debate the worldview of his mark, which is a typical apologist tactic. He even says that atheists believe that nothing created everything. Um, no we don't, Ray, and the fact that you have to keep dragging that bullshit out everywhere you go just proves that you're a fucking pussy and you don't want to listen.

In a later video, Kirk Cameron makes himself look like a moron as another student quizzes him on why he accepts every field of science except one. Amusingly enough, Cameron has to ask which one, proving yet again that creationists don't have any fucking idea what they're talking about. As evidenced by several volumes of the Way Of The Master series, neither Ray nor Kirk have any idea what evolution is, what cosmology is, or even what science is.

In fact, I think I have to disagree with the student in one regard, because once you go over the facts, you soon realize that Kirk and Ray are, in fact, opposed to EVERY field of science. They think the universe is 6000 years old. That tells me that they reject all of modern physics, including the theory of gravity. We also know that creationists don't believe in radiometric dating... in fact, it's perfectly apparent that there isn't a creationist alive who even knows what substance is even being dated. Most of them will tell you that it's the fossils and/or the rocks. WRONG!

What I do like, however, is that after Kirk Cameron stupidly says that he believes in macro-evolution but doesn't believe that we can extrapolate it to full speciation, the student very clearly articulates to him that, yes, we can. In fact, it's patently absurd for him to assume that we can't. And the only reason he doesn't concede, in my estimation, is that he doesn't want to give up his day job of shilling for God.

Seriously, look at how much merch Way Of The Master sells, and you will soon realize how Ray and Kirk can be owned so frequently and yet never learn anything from their experiences. This IS their income, and it's predicated on them pushing a failed worldview. This is especially true of Cameron, who couldn't act his way out of a paper sack. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he's acted his way INTO one. This IS Kirk Cameron's career.

And so, without further ado, here's Ray and Kirk making asses of themselves at UCLA...

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Michael Angelo Batio [Sep. 25th, 2009|01:00 am]
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Yes. This guy's name is Michael... Angelo. He's a heavy metal guitarist. I can only imagine what the other members of his band are named. Perhaps Don Atello and Leon Ardo.

I've had this silly picture on my hard drive for YEARS of this guy holding this ridiculous X-shaped, four-necked guitar. Never knew who it was, but it was so funny that I kept it all these years. Well, now I know who it is.



Hey, at least he picked a good song, even though the arpeggios are a little ridiculous in this version. I mean, there's an Yngwie Malmsteen version of this song, and even Yngwie doesn't overdo it this much.

This is almost like a parody of 80s metal.


Come on! I dare you not to laugh!
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Ray Comfort defaces Origin Of Species [Sep. 23rd, 2009|10:30 pm]
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Just a quick note. Earlier today I made a post about a recent Glenn Beck episode. It was up less than an hour. I was ripping on both Beck and his guest as they were talking about "The Story Of Stuff", since neither one of them seemed capable to representing critical thinking, even when it was in their best interest to do so. After posting this, however, I realized that Beck's guest DID release material in which he hit all of the major points that I had raised, so my criticism doesn't really apply to him anymore, except to say that his appearance on Beck's show was rather poor. On the other hand, Glenn seemed totally lost, and my jokes at his expense were actually very funny, so I'll be sure to post a revision at some point in the future.

Now then, I heard that 100,000 editions of Origin Of Species will be printed by that apologetic butt weasle Ray Comfort and his man servent Mike Seaver...er, I mean...Kirk Camoron. This new edition contains an extra section written by Comfort himself in which he attempts to describe the folly of "atheistic evolution", whatever that is.

From this, we can infer that Ray Comfort still doesn't know what the function of a scientific model is, or how it is applied. He also doesn't seem to understand how silly he looks explaining why it's impossible when the model does actually work. He implicitly endorses it whenever he gets a flu shot (unless he's an anti-vaccine nut, too). The chances of evolution happening are 1 in 1. That's a pretty far cry from "impossible", Ray.

Saying "atheistic evolution" is kind of like saying "atheistic gravity". Although, if you read between the lines of what Ray says, you'd eventually come away with the conclusion that Ray doesn't believe in gravity either. I'm sure he THINKS he does, but he doesn't accept any of the implications.

It's this simple, Ray. Look up at the night sky. Those stars are millions to billions of lightyears away. We know this, because we can triangulate their position from the relative position of the earth in the solar system. There's no getting around this fact, unless Ray also wants to deny math. So how can we see stars that are millions and billions of lightyears away? Well we can see them, because the light has been traveling for millions and billions of years. ...that is, unless you reject GRAVITY.

So what's it gonna be, Ray? Either you believe that the universe is less than 10,000 years old, in which case you deny all of physics, or you can accept Einstein's premise and come to the conclusion that in order for stars to be visible, the universe must be several billion years old. You can't have it both ways.

I've drawn this line for creationists time and time again, and they never want to address it. They don't have the courage to admit that they deny Einstein. Funny that, because Einstein's ideas were more dangerous to a creationist's ideology, for the reasons described above, than Darwin's ever was.

Of course, Ray's concept of cosmology is warped anyway. He still tries to say that that not only does evolution encompass all of cosmology, but he's still describing it as if the big bang refers to the universe as coming into existence, ex nihilo. I know that Ray has been corrected on this numerous times, so he's just being dishonest here. He can't raise an objection without using a straw man, so I think the only appropriate response to Ray Comfort anymore is public ridicule, since he obviously doesn't have the balls to correct himself and admit that he's wrong.

And of course, since Ray Comfort wants to expand the definition of evolution to encompass anything that contradicts the Bible (which is EVERYTHING), we can take this as meaning that Ray Comfort just has a problem with science in general, even though he'd never admit that.

Anyhoo, there are no jokes about this that the Amazing Atheist hasn't already made, so I might as well just post his take on it. Without further ado...

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RIP Adudathuda and DVD Podblast [Sep. 21st, 2009|10:35 pm]
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Today is a sad day, boys and girls. A great, great website has vanished from Internetland forever. Adudathuda.com is no more.

For 100 audio podcast episodes, they entertained us with alternative DVD commentary with their show, DVD Podblast. They sat through awful movies and gave us great laughs. They were funnier than Riff Trax, and they were FREE!

Though the series ended, those of us who were die-hard fans held out for maybe one last blast. Maybe even an anniversary blast. Sadly, it was never to be.

Darren T. Mangler, Matt Senko, Mike Walsh, Bill Koenig, and Steve...um...Steve. You five gentlemen made us laugh. You gave us movie stats, crude humor, farts, bat nips, ribs in your mouf, Robo Pimp Daddy, Bill Cosby doing the Star Wars crawl, and Darren wearing the Hotdog On A Stick hat. And if that isn't the holy grail of comedy, I don't know what is.

As far as I am aware, the shows themselves should still be archived at archive,org, and the season blogs should still be out there on Blogger, so it's all just a Google search away. And if all else fails I have all of the episodes.

With the website being gone now, you know what this means, don't you? This means I'm going to have to covertly sneak an Adudathuda reference into a future comic page.

In the meantime, there are still ways to find these goofballs on the net and, yes, even on TV. You just have to know where to look. Darren's all over the place. He's been on Pitchmen (the cereal bowl episode). He's done bit parts in movies. He's done commercials. He's pretty hard to miss, actually.

Here's some goofy stuff with the guys. Mostly Mangler.



Fortunately, you can still check out these similarly-themed websites:
http://www.pawsedog.com
http://www.filmpigs.com
http://www.rifftrax.com
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Muppets From Space, another look [Sep. 21st, 2009|09:40 am]
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Okay, I didn't give Muppets From Space a fair shake. I really did shut it off within ten minutes of starting the video, and I had never seen the rest of it until yesterday. I have to say that it isn't that bad, actually. Steve Whitmire does a decent enough Kermit, but most other Muppets that Jim Henson and Rich Hunt had voiced are silent throughout the movie, with the exception of Beaker. Scooter talked once, voiced by Richard Hunt's brother.

Maybe that's for the better, actually, because I'm a pretty hard sell on replacement voices. I hate when new actors step in and try very hard to impersonate the old actor. This drives me nuts, because it would work so much better if they would try to approach the character fresh. At some point in the future, I'll have to go into further detail into this theory of mine, but not now.

Although, I have to give Eric Jacobson a lot of credit. He picked up virtually all of Frank Oz's old characters, and he does them so well, that I can hardly tell the difference. The man sounds like he swallowed Frank Oz. There are only brief moments where his Frank Oz impersonation breaks a little, but it's very rare. This, however, is the exception.

So, the movie features pretty much the best of everyone who was left in the group up to that point. Frank Oz had not yet retired, and he's joined by Steve Whitmire, David Goelz, Jerry Nelson, and a few new guys whose names I don't know straight off. What that means is that Rizzo is once again elevated to supporting character status, because Rowlf and Dr. Teeth can't talk. I never quite warmed up to Rizzo. He's always been a B-list Muppet to me. Pepe's in it a lot, too, and I don't know what to make of Pepe. People really like him, but I'd rather have Scooter and Sweetums. Call me spoiled.

The movie was surprisingly funny to me. I've sat stone-faced through Muppet material that was produced after Jim Henson died, and this one is actually ain't too bad. At the same time, it feels very empty. I hate seeing all of these puppets that I know belonged to Jim and Richard, because I know they're not going to say anything, or if they do, it's just going to be wrong-sounding Muppets.



The weird thing about that, however, is that they have this one Muppet in the movie called Bobo the Bear, and I swear he sounds like one of Jim Henson's more gruff-voiced characters, like Rowlf or Dr. Teeth. And I'm thinking that whoever this actor is who's doing this voice, he ought to be bringing these older characters back to life. Have they not noticed this?

You know what else bugs the piss out of me? There are no original songs. They have all of these shitting cliche songs that you've heard on a million other soundtracks. Seriously, Celebration is in this movie. That song sucks! I should never have to hear that song outside of a wedding reception, goddammit! Why does this movie have a soundtrack largely comprised of songs from the 60s and 70s, anyway? Why aren't the Muppets singing their own songs?

They even had a few good celebrity cameos in this thing. Jeffrey Tambor is the main antagonist. He's pretty funny. Ray Liotta and Kathy Griffin also have bit parts that are pretty funny. But did anyone besides me pick out the voice of Gary Owens in this movie? That was fucking cool! Leave it to me to recognize the voice of the guy who did Powdered Toast Man.

There are some really awful celebrities in this, too. Like, why is Rob Schneider in this? Derfy-derf-dee-derf! Rob Schneider is...rectally violating a Muppet!

And this movie also has not one, but TWO former WCW World Heavyweight Champions in it. The first being Hollywood Hulk Hogan, who breaks the fourth wall by admitting that he's a bad guy now. Who's the other former champ, you are asking? Well...


Oh, come on! You saw that coming.


All things considered, it wasn't too bad. But it wasn't The Great Muppet Caper, either.
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Charlie Sheen: Idiot [Sep. 19th, 2009|01:26 pm]
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Editorial Note: Slight correction here. Apparently, Sheen has been a 9/11 truther for a while now, and this is nothing new. This only came to my attention through this morning's episode description for The Skeptic's Guide to The Universe. The footage that follows is from last year. That said, pretty much everything else I say here applies, except for any implication I may have made that this is *new*.


9/11 Blogger said, "this is the first time a major news station has covered 9/11 questions". That's right, asshole. It's finally caught up with the Intelligent Design movement. Maybe if another ten years go by, you guys can be the subject of Expelled 2. Clearly, mainstream coverage is not the hallmark of credibility.

Speaking of Expelled, listen to how they're already cushioning Sheen from the "slander", because of his "reasonable challenge" of the official story. It's the exact same tactic. They're trying to say that we shouldn't turn it on Sheen, and yet that's exactly what they're doing. They're elevating him to a hero, which is bullshit. And if this was a celebrity endorsing Intelligent Design, the same people who are eating this up would immediately turn around and identify it for the bullshit that it is.

The facts have already been established. 19 religious fundamentalist radicals hijacked the planes. We have phone record. We have physical debris. We have the money trail. GET OVER IT!

Oh, and here's a great series of videos (work in progress) from some emo guy...

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Bill Paxton Pinball [Sep. 18th, 2009|11:25 am]
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Speaking of YouTube, here's Ben Heckendorn working on his Bill Paxton Pinball machine.



Why Bill Paxton? Why NOT?!
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Adventures In Grocery Shopping presents: "You Smell" [Sep. 17th, 2009|04:30 pm]
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So, I was at the local grocery store a few weeks back to pick up some odds and ends. I needed microwavable lunchtime goodies, but my main reason for going was to pick up some shampoo. (Perhaps that would be the MANE reason. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk!!!!)

I don't have to buy shampoo as often as you would think. I'm a firm believer in the quarter-sized amount that is recommended. You'd be surprised how little of it is needed to clean your hair. I don't even lather it that much. Just spread it around really good and rinse. And that's the secret to my heavenly locks. *primp* *primp*

But wouldn't you know it? While I'm browsing the bath and beauty section, I come upon a family who apparently have never been here before, due to their odoriferous emanations.

Every now and then, I get that wily spirit in me to do or say something I wouldn't normally do or say in public. I casually walk over to the deodorant aisle and pick out a good strong antiperspirant. Then as I passed by their cart, I casually chucked it in, without them seeing it, and I made my way to check-out.

Yeah, I can be kind of an elitist prick sometimes. But goddammit! Hygiene isn't that hard! There's this thing called a bar of soap. It has magical properties, wherein, if you scrub said bar on your body in conjunction with the sprinkling of water, you will miraculously be purged odors and contaminants on your body! It is truly the most remarkable invention since the sliced bread.

Also, while Axe is my antiperspirant of choice, Degree is also rather good. I suppose you could even go with Rightguard. I mean, just take it from the Hulkster!





Bogus Bonus:
Oh, and here's something that I found while tracking down the above commercial...



There really are some embarrassing commercials for Japanese consumers that feature American stars. By the looks of the Hulkster, I'd say this was made around 1990 (of course, the Tiny Toons bit also kinda gives that away). I wonder how many celebrities did silly Japanese commercials like this, restfully assured that they would never be seen outside of Japan.

Thank god for YouTube.
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Early Brian Johnson AC/DC [Sep. 11th, 2009|09:25 pm]
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No point to this really. I just like the way Brian Johnson's voice sounds in these older recordings. Can't put my finger on it exactly. I guess he wasn't as screechy back then.

Nothing against how he sounds now, of course. For a guy his age who has been putting his voice through hell for twenty years, the guy still sounds fantastic.

Still though...
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Inglorious Plummers [Aug. 25th, 2009|10:40 pm]
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Bizarre...

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Science! What's the worst that could happen? [Aug. 25th, 2009|10:10 pm]
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There's this guy on YouTube named HowTheWorldWorks. Now, I'm going to make your head spin by saying this, but this guy is NOT an idiot. In fact, he's one of the best representatives of conservatism I've seen in recent years. He even gets +5 Charisma for not being a creationist.

This is what I wish a representative of the Republican party would actually be like. I may not agree with a lot of his politics, but I have significantly more respect for him than, say, Bill O'Reilly. HowTheWorldWorks is not a gay hater, he doesn't push the Christian agenda, and he actually has a superior understanding of evolution than even most skeptics I know. (Note to the Republican Party: Get more guys like THIS!)

So, I can't bash this guy. In fact, I strongly disagreed with both Thunderf00t and The Amazing Atheist for trying to bury this guy in ad hominems, and many other skeptics did as well. HTWW is no dummy, and he didn't deserve to be deluged with the crap he got, even though it kinda worked out for him. TF really bumped his subscribers after that incident.

So, he's not VenomFangX. But, he's no Shane Killian, either. (Shane Killian is awesome, by the way.)

And as Shane Killian has said in the past, even a skeptic is not immune to being wrong, so allow me to point out the most recent atrocity.



Now, my liberal friends will be scoffing at virtually everything that comes out of his mouth. In fact, you're going to want to take a step back, because you'll probably feel the urge to punch your screen, and I don't want to liable for all those broken computer monitors out there. Please ignore all of the Obama bashing this guy does. That's not the bad part. The bad part is when he brings up the topic of modifying chicken embryos to produce modern day dinosaurs. He cracks, "What could go wrong with that?"

What, indeed! If you take a look at the link he posts in his sidebar, you'll see that there really isn't much of anything that could go wrong. I don't want to speculate on what this guy is trying to imply (he doesn't say), but if it is what I think it is, then he didn't read the article very well.

The idea of turning a chicken embryo into a dinosaur is not new. In fact, it's been around for years. The idea, proposed by Jack Horner, is to take a chicken embryo and flipping certain genetic levers during development. In fact, that's exactly what the article says. It does NOT say that this guy plans to genetically modify a chicken into a dinosaur.

Let's be clear. Flipping genetic dip switches is not the same as genetically modifying something. All you're doing is adding a protein during the development cycle that the natural development doesn't provide (and hasn't since the age of the dinosaurs). That means that if this thing ever procreated, it would just give birth to a regular chicken. (Perfectly understandable, unless you're a Lamarkist or something.)

So, what's the big deal? Does he think that some scientist is going to create a race of super chickens? That this is going to get out of control, like the killer bees, and we'll be overrun with chicken-asauruses? Does he actually think that making a new race of dinosaurs is even the point of this experiment? Again, it's hard to say, as he doesn't elaborate, but he should have known better than to let his layman audience fill in the blanks for him.

Oh, and here's another video, where he makes a similar snide comment regarding the recent scientific claim that we'll be able to make artificial life in a matter of months. What could go wrong with that, he asks.

Well, again, nothing. If you actually read the article, there's nothing there that should alarm you any more than the type of agriculture that mankind has been doing for thousands of years. If he's trying to argue that this could be dangerous, because we don't know what could happen, then he's basically making the same bullshit argument that the anti-GM-food people have been making for years. Seriously, what is the meaningful difference between modifying an existing organism (which is what agriculture is!) and making a new one from scratch?

In fact, aside from the part about making life from scratch, this isn't even new science. Since the 70s, medical science has been using a genetically engineered strain of the E.coli bacterium to produce insulin for diabetics. Now imagine if we could take that same amino acid that produces insulin and give it to what is essentially a simple, controlled, man-made bacterium.

That's what this is about. It's about taking amino acids that benefit mankind and inserting them into benign, man-made bacteria, that doesn't eat your flesh or give you food poisoning. It is a more controlled version of the same science that geneticists have been doing since the 1970s.

And this YouTube political commentator, who proclaims to know "How The World Works", should have known better.
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The Tow Truck [Aug. 13th, 2009|02:05 am]
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In my family, my mother was the primary bread winner. So when it came time for her to go back to work after her maternity leave, my father elected to stay home to take care of me.

Of course, my dad was a busybody, so he wanted to make a little money on the side while watching me. So he started towing. He got a truck. It was colored silver and had the front end of a Chevy Blazer. I remember, because we actually had a Chevy Blazer of the same make and model at the same time. It was a lot of fun, because when you're three, everything is like a huge adventure. And I'm sure for him, he enjoyed having me as a co-pilot. My dad was pretty sentimental like that.

I was too little to really grasp what we were doing. I just remember that we'd be home, and then we'd have to go get a car. After a while, it did eventually sink in that the cars were broken. When we'd get there, I would stay in the truck and watch out the cab's back window while my father hooked the car to the back of the truck.

Occasionally, I would ask if I could sit in the car that was being towed. That was frequently shot down, although I seem to remember doing it at least once. It might have been the car of someone we knew, and I think they were in the car with me while we were being towed. Somehow, I don't think that's legal, but we did it, and it was a cool ride.

I'm sure we took a lot of these vehicles to dealerships and auto repair shops, but for some reason, the only destination I distinctly remember visiting was the junk yard. Now that was cool. I got to see where cars go when they don't work anymore. Getting picked up by giant forklifts and then smashed. I think this is why the junk yard stands out in my mind. Jiffylube isn't nearly exciting enough to have left such a lasting memory.

The coolest job I can remember was when we had to go rescue another tow truck! Now that was neat! I remember asking my dad if the tow truck really broke down. It seemed unfathomable. Tow trucks aren't supposed to break down! Yeah, kids are dumb, and I was no exception.

Another time, I was out in the front yard when I saw a car stop at the corner by our house and then immediately break down. As soon as the hazard lights came on, I ran inside and got my dad. Talk about business landing in your lap!

Sadly, all good things come to an end. I was getting older, and I was going to be starting school soon. It was no longer necessary for Dad to stay home with me, so it came time to sell the truck and go back to old job. I was so angry.

That truck was everything I loved about my early childhood, and I couldn't believe that my father was selling it. I didn't have the perspective to see that this was only a temporary arrangement. To me, this WAS the norm, and no amount of explaining could convince me otherwise.

Of course, that wasn't the end of the adventures. Sometimes Dad would just throw me in the Blazer and we'd go out. We didn't actually go anywhere, except occasionally we'd stop at Dairy Queen, which we often did while out towing. It just felt good to be back in the passenger seat, even if we weren't rescuing anyone anymore.

If I can find a picture of the old tow truck, I'll be sure to post it. Sadly, I don't seem to have one.

In lieu of that, here's another bit of nostalgia from my childhood. The following is a very popular and well-known Chicago area commercial from the 80s. Why is it so popular and well-known? Because it's been on the air and in frequent circulation since 1985. The only thing that's ever been changed about this commercial is the voice-over and the on-screen text, since the phone number has changed a few times. Otherwise, the street footage and read has always been the same.



Check out the linkage on that guy's arm. He looks like he was on his way to an Iron Maiden show when his car broke down. Speaking of which, I've always wondered why the car was broken down just because the door broke off! It's not like the car won't start!

I mean, there may have been some legal reason he couldn't drive it with the door off, but I knew a guy who that happened to, but he just took some heavy duty wire and fastened that thing to the frame. He'd have to get in through the passenger door.
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John Travolta losing his religion [Aug. 6th, 2009|08:35 pm]
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Allegedly.

http://tinyurl.com/npkjuo

Still, it seems as though there's are pretty good odds that it's true, and if it is, then I really feel sorry for John Travolta right now. Scientology comes loaded with all sorts extremely wacky medical beliefs, and if what the article says is true, then John might be blaming himself for the death of his son, who suffered from frequent seizures. That alone has got to suck, and I can't imagine what kind of guilt he must be feeling.

But on top of that, it's also very difficult to leave Scientology. You ever see those XenuTV videos where Scientology members try to scare their critics by attacking their privacy. "What are you hiding?!" Well, it's worse when you're actually a member, because they actually DO know a lot about you, and they can use it against you if you try to leave. It's basically extortion.

John Travolta may be trapped. Poor guy.
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People actually believe... IN THE DEVIL! [Jul. 28th, 2009|05:20 pm]
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You know that one AC/DC song. The one with all the sexual innuendos?

Oh wait, that would be ALL OF THEM.

My last post was really inane, I realize. Every now and then, I prove just how much of a loser I am by going off on tangents about crap that nobody else cares about. Sometimes I think I'd make a good Seinfeld character, because I argue about crap like that.

Anyhoo, here's something else that doesn't matter.

So, I live in Wheaton, Illinois. Well, technically. Anyhoo, if you're familiar with the area, then you know that it allegedly has more churches per capita than any other town in the country. I don't know if that's actually true, but I've been told that a number times. What this means is that I can't have a conversation with anyone in this town without it turning into a confrontation.

WHAT?! Don't look at me like that. I don't start shit, honest! All I have to do is say something like, "I still haven't heard the new AC/DC album," and it just starts. Almost on cue, there's the ass hat who goes, "Oh, you mean Anti-Christs and Devil Children?"

Isn't that cute? I love when the conversations turn in this direction. There's nothing I like more than Bible thumpers making up acronyms for the bands I like and then pretending as though that's actually what their names stand for. Nevermind that the band had a lightning bolt in its logo, and three of the albums are named High Voltage, Powerage, and Flick Of The Switch. Clearly, this is all window dressing to the band's ulterior motive, which is to spread the word of Satan.

Okay, so there's actually a lot of this and that about Satan, but you'd have to be stupid to think that they're being serious. Oh wait, we're talking about fundamentalist Christians. That's right.

So, the conversation just derails, because I can't let it go.

Me: "So wait. You believe... IN THE DEVIL?! A red man in long pajamas, with a pitchfork and horns on his head? You think this being actually exists and isn't just some mythological acid trip?"
Idiot: "The greatest trick the devil ever played was to convince people that he doesn't exist."
Me: "That's cute. So what you're saying is that the absurdity of the devil is the work of the devil. Amazing. The only thing the devil had to do in order to convince me that he doesn't exist is to defy logic. He must really be evil if he can do that."
Idiot: "You don't have to get condescending."
Me: "Need I remind you that this whole derailment started when you became condescending?"
Idiot: "I can see that this conversation isn't going anywhere."
Me: "Fuck you."

Oh, and you have no idea how many times I've heard the one about KISS being the "Knights In Satan's Service". Good one, Gene. Thanks to your little joke, I've had to hear that one on nearly a monthly basis. And I don't even fucking like KISS.

It's also so weird looking at the CD collection of someone who reads the Bible like it's a history book. You ever do this? You flip through their CDs, and they have all of those Christian rock collections you see on TV. And they all have the same songs, too, like "I Can Only Imagine", "God Of Wonder", and "Open The Eyes Of My Heart". And the bands are always the same, too. You got Jars Of Clay, Mercy Me, and Amy Grant. What the fuck! Amy Grant? Who listens to that shit? When was the last time she was relevant, 1991?!

Seriously, though! It's like looking through the CD collection of someone who lives on another planet.

And what it is with Christian album covers? How come they all take the same monochrome picture, usually tinted to Lord Of The Rings brown, of the guy smiling while looking away from the camera? What's up with that? Look at the god damn camera, ya pussy!

God damn, Christian music sucks. Well, most of it. I'll give them credit if they write a song that has a good hook, but it can be brutal if the lyrics are too obnoxious.

I mean, take this, for example...



Now come on! That's not real! ...is it? I know that Bluefish TV is legit, but I can't find anything that suggests that this is a hoax. The video is actually hosted on a Christian website, which I don't understand at all. It's too ridiculous not to be fake, though, because it's like a parody of everything that's wrong with Christian music. They play the same sucky songs and try to gussy them up with a new style of music.

If that's real, then that's pretty sad. And if it's not, my hat goes off to whoever made that, because I was roaring with laughter through the whole thing.

EDIT: No, no, no! I just watched it a second time. That has GOT to be fake. That's just too over-the-top. When he starts going "Raaghraaghraaghraagh" through Silent Night, that just tops it. There's no way this isn't a spoof. No fucking way.
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Endearing myself to Catholics yet again... [Jul. 12th, 2009|02:00 am]
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Jesus H. Christ! IT'S A CRACKER!!! A CRACKER!!!!

I, for one, hope he took the wafer home and then masturbated onto it.

Wow, I think that may be one of the most offensive things I've ever said on this blog.

...as I'm clicking the "post" button.
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Billy Mays: A Great American [Jul. 2nd, 2009|04:45 pm]
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If this doesn't show you guys what a loss this is, then nothing will. Nobody who enjoys life this much deserves to die so young.
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Don we now our blue shirts [Jun. 29th, 2009|09:15 am]
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I'm genuinely upset at the passing of Billy Mays. Well... I'm not crying or anything silly like that, but I was stunned more than any of the other celebrity deaths this month. Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett were tragic, but we kinda knew that the end was coming. And Michael Jackson's death, although sudden, has been on the forecast for some time as well. But Billy Mays' death just came out of nowhere.

And here's the part that sucks. The guy just became a household sensation. He had the best show of the season, and he was on The Tonight Show just last week. This is a guy who, in my estimation, was right in the cusp of segueing out of the direct market business and into full-time entertainment. Maybe the transition would have been slow, but I guarantee you that in a year's time, he would have been doing cameos in movies and voice over work in cartoons.

In fact, let's talk about the latter. Billy Mays just had that voice. It got your attention and was inimitable. That is the voice that cartoon directors dream about. I wouldn't be surprised if he had the producers of Fairly Odd Parents and Spongebob Squarepants calling him up, begging him to do character voices. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if he already had.

What really has me down is that Pitchmen, the show that should have gone on to have multiple seasons of runaway success, is now in jeopardy. I assume that they probably shot a second season, given how old some of the products were in the first season. This stuff is clearly shot months and months in advance. And since Billy was scheduled to have a hip replacement today, that leaves me wondering if maybe they had recently wrapped up, giving Billy ample opportunity to rehab.

I admit that I'm speculating, but I'm really hoping this is the case. The first season has had a magnificent run. I was really looking forward to a second season of this stuff. I just don't know if this show can continue without Billy.

And, of course, I mean no disrespect to Anthony Sullivan. He was just as much a part of Pitchmen as Billy, but it's a chemistry sort of thing. This show was about more about two great friends getting on each other's nerves more than it was about the products or the direct market business. It was about the two guys. Imagine Stan Laurel without Oliver Hardy. Or try to picture Abbot without Costello. Or Bozo without Cooky. You need this particular duo to make this show work, and they're not going to be able to find someone to replace Billy Mays, a person with whom Sullivan had been friends for fifteen years. They would have to dramatically reinvent the show to keep it going.

But if there is one positive side effect to this show, it's that the program effectively dispelled a lot of the negative stigma associated with direct market business. Infomercials kind of had this rap for inventing problems that don't exist, imaginary problems which huckster products attempt to solve. And with con men like Kevin Trudeau out there, it's not hard to understand where that comes from. But Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan have brought a lot of legitimacy to the direct market, and their show has given it such mainstream appeal that larger, more establish companies like Arm & Hammer actually adopted their advertising style and had Billy actually produce one of their ads.

In a sort of bittersweet irony, this tragedy has finally given Discovery Channel to give cause to the very thing I've been wanting to see for weeks, which is a Pitchmen marathon. This Wednesday, July 1, we will be getting just that. All day long, and every episode. Set that DVR, and if you're home that day, take the phone off the hook. You're NOT going to want to miss this!

Yes, I'm pitching Pitchmen in my eulogy to Billy Mays. Eerily appropriate, I say. I guess I should go back into this entry and edit in a few catch phrases like, "But that's not all!" and "I'm still not done!". Would that be tacky? Nah, Billy would have laughed. You couldn't ask for a better eulogy than to have someone celebrate the humor of life.

But seriously, let's celebrate the man the appropriate way. With YouTube!

Click to see videos )
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Nah-Nah-Nah-Nah! Hey! Hey! Hey! You SUCK! [May. 7th, 2009|05:40 pm]
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Gone for good in three days. What, no resurrection?!


Every so often, there comes an event that is so awesome, that you must stand in awe of how awesome it is. That time is now. Ladies and Gentlemen, the VenomFangX internet ministry has closed its doors for good. MommyFangX and DaddyFangX pulled the plug. The site is going offline "for good".

Wait, does that REALLY mean "for good"? Can't someone else just buy the domain or something? Someone like, say, PZ Myers. Or maybe someone can buy it and then direct it to Talk Origins or the Panda's Thumb.

Gee, poor widdle Shawn will have to go crawling back to the Video Mart and ask for his job back.

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Cammy in Street Fighter IV [Jan. 22nd, 2009|06:30 pm]
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Ah, Cammy. Bout time they put her back in a regular Street Fighter game. Yeah, I know she was in the Alpha series, but I can only take so much of evil fifteen-year-old Cammy in a thong. The Delta Red version doesn't leave me feeling quite so dirty.


You know, I'm glad Street Fighter resisted 3-D as long as it did. Part of what made Street Fighter fun was the quality of the in-game art. Having PS1-quality polygons would never have done it justice.

Oh, and if you haven't guessed, this is actually reason number 2 that it's time for Neil to finally get an X-Box 360.
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The most adorable thing ever: Two Kitties Talking! [Jan. 16th, 2009|09:15 pm]
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Prepare to squee.

And if that wasn't enough cute for you, here's a "translation".

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Beating A Dead Horse, Don'tcha Know [Jan. 13th, 2009|08:25 pm]
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I don't believe I ever commented on the infamous Sarah Palin fruit fly comment, but since Shane Killian brought it up in his latest video, I might as well take the opportunity to run through this.

Oh, that wacky Sarah! Dissing fruit fly research. Nothing fruitful (pardon the pun) ever comes from that! Oh, except that it does.

And it's not as though Sarah Palin has an excuse. She has staff. I don't even have staff, and I know more about this shit than she does. She had someone who could have looked this up for her. Instead, she walks out, without a care in the world as to what this research could possibly be about, and she makes a smarmy face as she cracks wise about one of the most beneficial forms of research for the public good. Oopsy doopsy, Sarah!

Okay, okay... This was months ago, and the election's over. I'm just sullying her name. (There's that word again: sully. I like that word.)

Onto the real meat, though. Shane's latest video is the first of a six-part series in which he debunks Creation On The Web's attempt to discredit evolution via the National Science Education standards, and Shane intends to show how each of their points fail. And, as you have suspected, he's already off to a roaring start!

Oh, and beat in mind that, although Shane rips on Palin and McCain, he's not a liberal. He's not a conservative, either. I'm only pointing this out so that nobody tries to jump to any assumptions of political bias.

Shane is as straight a shooter as they come. If you're on YouTube, you should subscribe to his channel.
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The Justice Medley [Dec. 20th, 2008|12:30 pm]
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This is going to be a weird post, because I'm going to be simultaneously complementing and dissing Metallica. Mostly dissing, but there's still some stupid part of me that thinks they were once good.

Back in 1992, Metallica started performing a medley of tunes from the album "...And Justice For All" at their live shows, because every song on that album is ridiculously long, and some abbreviation would be a courtesy for those of us who get metal fatigue. (You can only listen to chugging riffs for so long before you begin to zone out.)

Of course, that's all you heard on this album was guitar chugging, because there's no bass. Well, there is...kind of...but I'm not sure if it's Jason Newsted. It might just be some weird feedback coming off the other guitars. It doesn't sound like an instrument. It just sounds like whoever mixed this album head something against stereo speakers and ear drums, because this album is kind to neither. This album is twenty years old, and I still firmly believe that whoever mixed it deserves to be punched in the mouth.

And even more astonishing is that this is actually considered by many to be the last "good" album. Every studio release that followed was terrible. Metallica, amazingly enough, is the only metal band in history that actually got WORSE when they learned harmony. How do you do worse than an album that has absolutely no harmony?!

Lars found the way.

To commemorate this event, the album that would follow "...And Justice For All" would be colored entirely black and not be given a name. It would be their way of saying, "This is Metallica. Adjust your expectations downward from now on." So, while some some think of "Justice" as being the last good album, I look at as being more of the linchpin that connects the previous three albums to the horror that was to come with later albums. It would only get worse from here. ...except it kind of got better.

For one gleaming moment in 1992, Metallica put out a huge gonzo crazy live box set, which featured three different live sets, one from Mexico City, one from Seattle, and one from San Diego, and all of them were made of pure 24 karat awesome. (Except for the parts where they played songs from the "black album", but those were more or less forgivable.) The only real sore spot I had about this set is that, at the time of its release, VHS was still the standard in the video market, so the San Diego and Seattle sets were confined to these honkin' huge cassette tapes.

As you might recall, though, I reviewed the DVD re-release of this set, in which they basically bundled the three shows in a five-disc jewel case (3 CDs and 2 DVDs), which rather conveniently fits into the old box set, if you swap out the original 3-CD Mexico set. Mine was all cracked and broken anyway, and one of the discs had a skip. Of course, the best thing about the re-release is that, unlike the VHS, the San Diego show isn't cut into two parts! Hooray!

Anyway, about a third of the way through the Mexico City and San Diego sets, they break out into this medley of various songs from the "Justice" album. This is quite a blessed event, because if I had to sit through a concert where Metallica attempted to even play a majority of the songs from that album, I'd likely slit my arms open from wrist to elbow, because just like today's Hollywood directors, Metallica apparently didn't know how to edit or be concise back then. They had ten minutes of song, and goddammit, they were going to record every second of it! Who the hell do they think they are? Iron Maiden?!

Unfortunately, "One", the most overrated Metallica song of all time, was given it's own full-length performance. Yay. (The previous "Yay" is to be read with a complete absence of enthusiasm.)

There really were a lot of great guitar riffs on the "Justice" album, if you cut down on all the monotonous chugga-chugga-chugga crap, that is. Metallica managed to cut it down to include most of the best parts of "Blackened", "Frayed Ends of Sanity", "Eye Of The Beholder" (I didn't Lars was a D&D nerd), and of course, "...And Justice For All". And best of all, it was actually mixed properly, so you didn't wreck your speakers listening to it! Hellzyeah!

If there's one thing that the internet has taught me, though, is that there's always some sick bastard out there willing to devout time to undoing the right that once undid a wrong. For some reason, some dick decided to take the studio versions of the aforementioned songs and splice them together so as to reproduce the famous medley. Why? So we can hear the medley with the speaker hum? Is it so that Lars can be way up front in the mix to emphasize just how terrible of a drummer he really is? Why would somebody do this?!

I don't know whether to be impressed or horrified. It's very accurate to the live version, but it's like all the life got sucked out of it.

Punishment: Punch to the dick.

Here's how it's supposed to sound.

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Rickroll Chrono Trigger [Dec. 8th, 2008|10:15 am]
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Hey, speaking of Chrono Trigger, apparently, the boys over at Ziff-Davis have nothing better to do with their time. Have you ever noticed that Robo's theme sounds an awful lot like that one Rick Astley song? Check this out...

That's cute. I like how the video sort of implies that there's something going on between Lucca and Robo. Hey, he's probably got a vibration mode, right? Seriously, I had to bite my lip through the whole thing.
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Like an explosion in a spaghetti factory [Dec. 5th, 2008|12:00 pm]
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He only comes once a year! He's a beloved friend to all the boys and girls! And late at night on Christmas Eve, he'll come to your home and spread joy and happiness! Yep, it's time once again for BOZO to return to the airwaves here in the Chicago area!

Wait, who did you think I was talking about?

Yes, we're only about three weeks away from the annual "Bozo, Gar, and Ray" special to air on WGN, aka The CW. At 10pm on December 24, if you turn on your TV, you'll have the honor and privilege of inviting Bob Bell, Ray Rayner, Garfield Goose, Roy Brown, Marshall Brodien, Joey D'auria, Frazier Thomas, Cuddly Dudley, and many others back into your living room to bring hysterical laughter and joy to an otherwise corporate and stressful holiday. Get all your shopping done early, set your TiVo, and get ready for some laughs, because Bozo's Circus is back on the air!


Oh, how I miss this man.

So, what's so special about Bozo? Well, Bozo was, quite frankly, the last vestige of classic television that our generation ever saw. With as controlled and scripted as today's children's television is, Bozo was wild and loose. It was a show where it was okay if you forgot your lines, because the improv was always funnier. In fact, the players often took great delight in making each other laugh or screw up. It was like the Carol Burnett Show for children. (Most of the time, anyway.)

Oh, but there were adult jokes. Quite often, there were gags lobbed over the heads of children, landing squarely in the laps of adults. Jokes, such as the infamous Three Bears routine, in which the three stars, Bozo, Cooky, and Wizzo, performed perhaps the best/worst ever rendition of the classic children's tale.

Wizzo as Mama Bear: "Someone's been sleeping in my bed."
Bozo as Papa Bear: "Well don't look at me!"
Cooky as Baby Bear: "Is this really the way Eddie Fischer started?"

Of course, the special also includes several bits of classic television that are even before my time. Sadly, most of it was pretty well gone by the time I started getting up every morning to watch these goofs. Heck, I only barely remember Bob Bell and Frazier Thomas.

Frazier was basically the second (and last) ring master of the "circus" (which was really just a sound stage), after Ring Master Ned "sold" Bozo's Circus to Frazier's puppet goose friend, Garfield. (By the way, this character long predated Jim Davis' fat orange cat.) Of course, this actually coincided with the fact that Garfield's show had ended, and thus the goose became a temporary fixture on Bozo.


Frazier Thomas and his wacky puppet friends.

As for Garfield's actual show, of which I've seen only very few clips, the best comparison I could make to it would be the Kingdom of Make-Believe on Mister Roger's Neighborhood. The puppet characters, operated skillfully by Roy Brown, were confined to a very small balcony-like set, which Frazier would walk up to, peer in, and talk to the puppets. The goose itself didn't talk, but it would clack its bill and snip at Frazier. This was the work of puppeer Roy Brown.

Roy Brown himself was a masterful artist, and one of my most admired heroes. Of course, he was the hand inside of the puppets on Garfield Goose & Friends. And while his puppets were seldom as sophisticated, his raw talent and ability to bring life and humor to these creations was nothing short of extraordinary. And while I did not grow up with Garfield Goose, I certainly remember the years he spent operating the Cuddly Dudley puppet on the Bozo Show.

Like Garfield, Bozo had inherited Cuddly from another program, in this case The Ray Rayner Show. And just as he did with Garfield, Roy Brown often used Cuddly as a means for revenge against Bozo, to whom he had to be so nice when performing as Cooky. Roy's verbal jabs at Bozo were often subtle and well below the radar of the target audience. This was, of course, a delight to most parents watching, because, as I eluded to earlier, who doesn't love watching two grown men trying to make each other break up on camera?


Roy Brown as Cooky, Chicago's Favorite Second Banana

If I may be so bold, I would put Roy Brown on the same pedestal as Jim Henson. And I'll go even farther to say that he is, quite literally, one of the finest comedic performers to every grace television. The Bozo Show wouldn't have been as special for me as it is if not for Roy Brown playing the ever suffering Cooky.

Before Cooky, though, was Ray Rayner. I don't have many memories of the man, as he was before my time, but what I've seen of him is brilliant. The closest modern comparison I could draw to the man would have to be Blue's Clues, although he is also often compared to his contemporaries, Captain Kangaroo and Mister Rogers. In fact, Ray was often on at the same time as Captain Kangaroo, and would actually beat him in the ratings in Chicago. He would host cartoons, have fun activities for the kids (activities which he would often bungle), and be a ray of sunshine for the brief moment he was on TV every day. ...As Ray Rayner, that is.


Cuddly Dudley along with Ray Rayner

See, the beauty of these men is that they wouldn't just have one show per day. These men would literally end one show, scrape off all their make-up, put on different costume, eat a sandwich, and then go right back on television as someone else. Ray Rayner also played Sergeant Pettibone, host of The Dick Tracy Show. He would also go out on Bozo's Circus as Oliver O. Oliver, Bozo's original bumbling sidekick, prior to the introduction of Cooky.

Bob Bell was also a well-known station chameleon. He would go from being the station's staff announcer to being Bozo and then right into being Andy Starr. Andy Starr was the geriatric theater custodian and host of classic Three Stooges shorts.

As was often the case back then, classic cartoon and live action theatrical shorts were often rebranded and expanded upon when hosted in syndication. Stations rarely just put them on the air, as they do today, without filler material. Thus was the case of classic television showmanship. And the boys at WGN were masters at this.


Bob Bell as Andy Starr

You don't see this at all in today's television. And that's not to put down the work ethic of today's performers. Rather, I see this as a time when television was as fun for the performers as it was for the audience, and I think that's been lost in today's corporate world of uninspired television. The closest thing we get to any of this is probably Conan O'Brien or maybe even Saturday Night Live, although I can barely stand watching the latter.

And what's worse is that so little of this material actually remains. The Bozo Show literally had no archive. A few years ago, I was horrified at the revelation that the producers of the show would often record the program over the tapes of the previous season. What survives is a very small collection of dusty tapes in addition to whatever people at home may have captured on VHS or, if they were lucky, BETA. If I had known back in 1984 that Bob Bell's last year on the Bozo Show would become one of television's lost treasures, I would have pestered my parents to buy as many VHS tapes as they could.

What plays on an hour-long special every year at Christmas time is, as Dean Richards puts it, "the best of what remains". That's sad.

Even though I have my own recorded-from-TV copy of this show, I agonize every year that this isn't on DVD. It really should be, but the problem has always been Larry Harmon, the owner of the Bozo franchise. Not to make light of the man's death, but his recent passing may be a blessing of sorts. WGN really should look into acquiring the Bozo trademark so that they can actually market this show, as opposed to simply broadcasting it as a "news special" legal loophole.

And if they still have it, they need to also produce a DVD of the final broadcast of the Bozo show, as well as the final show with Cooky. These are so rare that, to best of my knowledge, they've never even appeared on YouTube. In fact, much to my annoyance, most of the Bozo material on YouTube consists of Bozos from other markets. The best I was able to find is a segment on Nude Hippo, in which Joey D'Auria, the second man to play Bozo in Chicago, explains how to properly throw a pie.

But that's not all! As per my yearly holiday tradition, I've hunted down all of the episodes of Dean Richard's radio show, in which he pays tribute to the characters on the Bozo Show. You'll need Real Player to play these.

One In A Million: A Three-Part Tribute to Bob Bell
A Tribute To Roy "Cooky The Clown" Brown
Bozopalooza (prior to Bozo's final airing)
A Tribute To Ray Rayner
Dean Chats With Joey D'Auria

And please, please remember to watch the special on Christmas Eve. Tell WGN that we need to see this program more often and that it needs to be on DVD. There are millions of grown children, like myself, who would be giddy with delight to have this program return.
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Desert Bus for Hope [Dec. 2nd, 2008|11:58 pm]
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Ah, the legacy of the Sega CD lives on, and I love it. If you haven't picked up on some of my past posts, I love the Sega CD. Yes, even though it had a terrible library, and even though it was a just a lame attempt to give Sega Genesis the sort of scaling and rotation effects that only SNES had at the time, I still adore the system to this day. Why?

Well, for starters, if you pick carefully from the resale market, you can actually accumulate a collection of games that gives the very false impression that it was a really good console for its day. Like, if you look on my shelf and find six-to-eight RPGs, Sonic CD, Final Fight, Earthworm Jim, Spider-Man Vs. Kingpin, and a even few SCUM games, you'd be like, "Wow! This thing actually did have life!" Uh, no it didn't. It's not like this is a modest collection. That's literally all there was, because if you start going beyond this, then you end up with nothing but FMV garbage, like Night Trap and Sewer Shark. Or even more insulting than that, you could have regular Genesis games re-released on CD with FMV intros and load times. The most insulting of these was perhaps Golden Axe, which actually disabled two-player mode. Have you ever tried to play that game with just one player? It doesn't go well, especially at the end, where Death Adder just jobs you into the ground. Anyway, while the actual list of cutting edge games on Sega CD was short, what little of it was there was GOLD, baby!


It's GOLD I tells ya!

So, what's this all about? Well, boys and girls, a very famous (or perhaps infamous) Sega CD game has become the subject for a charity. It's Desert Bus, a mini game that was to be included as part of the unreleased Sega CD game, Penn & Teller: Smoke And Mirrors. (...unreleased because Broderbund sucked so much that they went out of business before it could be published.) In this "game", you have to drive through the Arizona desert, from Tuscon to Las Vegas, in real time. The bus veers ever so slightly off course, so you're forced constantly monitor the controls. No taping the buttons down! If the bus drifted to the side of the road, it would stall, and you'd have to be towed back. I believe you also had to throttle the gas, because the bus would overheat. ...or something like that. (Penn explains it better at the bottom.)

The Charity is called Desert Bus For Hope, and it's run by a comedy troop in Canada playing the game nonstop for days while collecting donations, which it then turns over to Child's Play. Yep, it's a great day for planet Earth when the comedy of Penn & Teller and Gabe & Tycho can come together to do something awesome.

http://www.desertbus.org/

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Is this real?! [Nov. 22nd, 2008|08:35 pm]
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So, you've heard that Wanda Sykes has come out as a lesbian, right? Another shocking (not) revelation. She's been suspiciously outspoken about the topic for years and conspicuously without a man for most of that time. And as it turns out, she got married to her girlfriend a couple weeks before Prop 8 passed.

So I happened upon a commercial that she did before she officially came out of the closet. That is, I saw it on YouTube, as opposed to television. I almost can't believe this is an actual commercial, because I've never seen anything like this in in my neck of the woods.

Maybe Illinois is still a little regressive, despite being a blue state. Or maybe I just don't watch ABC enough. This is one of those commercials that would have shocked me if I had actually seen in on the tube.

Oh, and here she is stepping out of the closet...

Now, I agree with what she's saying, for the most part, but for a woman who was married to a guy for seven or eight years, I kind of winced when she said that sexuality isn't a choice.

...It really isn't, but still.

Oh, and speaking of ABC being extremely gay-friendly, more and more, I'm noticing that all the girls I know are watching Brothers And Sisters. I even had the awkward experience of watching it one night with my aunt, as two of the male characters locked lips. I was like, "Oh, so that's what you girls are watching these days." Now it's so weird, because if I'm over at someone's house and they're watching, I feel like I'm obligated leave the room. Maybe they want to be alone.

Oh, and that reminds me... I got a certain female friend of mine to finally admit that she gets turned on by dudes making out. This, the same person who for YEARS said that she couldn't understand why men were turned on by lesbians, because there's no place for the man to project himself into the fantasy. Now she finally gets it. It has nothing to do with projecting yourself into the fantasy. We love it because it's FUCKING HOT!
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The Headless Cross [Nov. 19th, 2008|08:20 pm]
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Ah, now here's some classic 80s metal cheese! I love this so much. This is the title track from The Headless Cross. A pity it's been out of print for some time now. The Headless Cross is probably the secret best Black Sabbath album of the "unstable era", a period in time where Black Sabbath's line-up was determined, seemingly, by a game of musical chairs.

Check out singer Tony Martin, looking like a satanic Richard Marx. (I suppose some would argue that that's redundant.) He's really rocking that 80s mullet, though! You can see an even worse version of the mullet if you track down the video for "The Eternal Idol". (Only, do that with the sound off, because that recording is terrible. Martin tries to sing a song that was written for the vocal range of Ray Gillen, and it just doesn't work.)

This video is actually cut down quite a bit. The album version of this song is a staggering 8 minutes long, and it has quite a few verses. It's a pretty good song, though. Remember when singers actually screamed like this? There hasn't been a good metal screamer in a long time. A pity, really.

Normally, I would say that blatantly satanic lyrics are just an opposite extreme of something I really don't like, but Tony Martin's lyrics are so tongue-in-cheek that I don't mind it at all. Really, Martin's lyrics are so over-the-top satanic that you couldn't possibly take them seriously. There's one song on the aforementioned album which starts with him belting out this melodious tune with, "Oooooooh, the devil_______!". Come to think of it, I don't think there's a song on that album that isn't about Satan.

By the way, the best song on that album is "Devil and Daughter".

There was a time back in the late eighties and early nineties that Black Sabbath was releasing a new album just about every year, and most of those featured Tony Martin. Yes, I referred to this as the "unstable era". You have no idea how appropriate this title is. On mic alone, they had two guys from Deep Purple, the guy from Badlands, and they even had a Dio lineup thrown in there randomly. The most steady singer of this era was, in fact, Tony Martin, appearing on five albums between 1987 and 1995.

This streak ended, however, when an extremely elderly Ozzy Osbourne rejoined and put the band's song production into a ten-year idle. To think they fired Tony Martin so that they could hire that no-talent buffon, so they could not do a damn thing except tour Ozzfest for a decade. (Yeah, I suppose they made lots of money doing that, but it still sucks balls!)

Thankfully, Dio has been kind enough to form "Heaven And Hell" (Black Sabbath under a pseudonym) and has even motivated the band to produce actual new material. In a way, I'm kind of glad that it happened that way, because Dio is so much better than Ozzy. The last fifteen years of Ozzy's solo albums have been terrible, so I don't see the point in having him back with Black Sabbath. He should just retire and go back to being TV's newest version of Benny Hill. Dio's corny, but at least he knows how to fucking sing.

I suppose I should just end this here, because I'm just bitching about Ozzy again, and I think I've already done that before.

Hey, if you love metal and you can find The Headless Cross, fucking buy it. And rock out to an album where ever song is about the fucking devil!
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This is such a beautiful story... [Nov. 18th, 2008|12:00 am]
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Penn Jillette tells a heart-warming tale about a Jewish man's first bacon.

I believe he's right. From this day forward, the bacon cheeseburger should be the official sandwich of atheism.

Or at least the official sandwich of, "GOD DAMN, THIS IS A GOOD FUCKING SANDWICH!".




Damn it, now I'm hungry.
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I FORGOT!!!! [Nov. 12th, 2008|07:45 pm]
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Oh, I suck! How could I make it through an entire election and not make a fucking "Pogo For President" joke!? I must be slipping.



I refer, of course, to a classic Pogo storyline in which all of his friends try to make him run for president, against Pogo's own wishes. In that respect, it's kind of a weird introduction to the Pogo franchise, if you, like me, had never read any of the comics prior. You get kind of this warped interpretation of what Albert, Churchy, and Owl are like, as they're rather antagonistic in this movie. Pogo's only friend in this movie is Porky Pine, the porcupine. (See how clever it is!)

The feature itself was produced after Walt Kelly's death, which I don't have a problem with, because of good it really is. Sadly, the clips available on the internet barely do it any justice.

It's seriously one of the best pre-Aardman claymation films I've ever seen, and quite frankly, it's one of the best claymation features PERIOD. It's a travesty that movie hasn't made it to DVD yet! Classic, I tellz ya! Classic. I need to write to somebody and complain.

There is, of course, the Pogo Birthday Special produced by Chuck Jones, which really needs to come to DVD as well.

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The Beatboxing Flute Player [Nov. 11th, 2008|08:00 am]
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Uh...yeah...

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Surprise! McCain staff worried about Sarah Palin throughout the election! [Nov. 7th, 2008|09:25 am]
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Oh jeez, the election is over. Why are these news organizations still dragging this woman's name through the mud? This must be the work of some liberal, commie, tree-hugger network with a bleeding heart agenda to pass socialist policies.

Yeah... Fox Fuckin' News.


Okay, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that the whole Africa thing may have been a brain fart. Of all the continents on the map, Africa is the one I know least about. It's kind of easy to think of it as one gigantic savanna, especially for those of us who see it most often through the eyes of National Geographic.

Maybe I'm stretching this, I don't know. Yeah, I suppose that I would find such a view of the continent to be rather naive for someone running for office, but it's really hard for me to believe that she wouldn't known that Kenya, from which Obama's father came, was anything other than an African nation. I can't see her being that stupid. I mean, c'mon!

But if, in fact, she really didn't know that Africa was a full fledged continent and not a nation, she should just step down from the governor office. Or at least appoint Miss Teen South Carolina to help her out by supplying some maps. (By the way, kudos to that young lady for rebounding from that embarrassing moment. She has infinitely more character than Palin.)

The NAFTA thing is bit harder to defend. I mean, there are only three countries in North America. Considering what the acronym NAFTA stands for, it should be pretty obvious as to which countries are involved...ALL OF THEM! I mean, come on! Talk about proximity to another country; your state is TOUCHING Canada, Sarah! Shouldn't that make you AN EXPERT about trade between Canada and the US?

Otherwise, there's nothing about this report that surprises me, really. I knew that McCain and his people couldn't possibly be that stupid. There had to be doubt within the McCain camp about her. I'm not at all surprised to hear that she obstinately refused preparation for the interviews that became her downfall.

I mean, really... as much as I hate to keep harping on this, the proximity to Russia thing was pretty stupid. I can't believe that anyone running for vice president would actually fail to prepare herself and repudiate such an obvious gaff, but instead repeat the gaff to further embarrassment. I have serious doubt about someone being prepared for office when this same person can't even be bothered to prepare herself for an interview. Especially ones in which she knows what questions are coming.


Okay, no more Palin rants.
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Corrected: Shane Killian Gives Ben Stein A Science Wedgie [Oct. 27th, 2008|02:30 pm]
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Shane Killian might as well be the internet's equivalent to Mr. Wizard.  In fact, he's Mr. Wizard and Bill Nye: The Science Guy rolled into one, with just a pinch of Richard Dawkins thrown in for good measure. The guy is fucking awesome.  I love people who have such reverence for science. (...unlike Ben Stein)

Speaking of that washed-up celebrity and his crappy movie, you may find it interesting that there's a realtime rebuttal to "Expelled" available on the internet, produced by Shane Killian himself, to be played while you watch it.  In fact, it's something I'd never heard of before.  He made an independant subtitle track for the movie.  Now, I've heard of independent comentary tracks that you download as MP3 files, but a subtitle track?!  How's that work?!

Well, I haven't read up on it, but apparently, it's straight foward.  You download it from the following website and somehow use a media application on your computer to synch the track with "Expelled".  Of course, if you're like me, you probably wouldn't be caught dead owning the movie, but if you have any creationists friends, invite them over and annoy them with it.  Say, "Hey, wanna see a trick?  Put that in my computer."

http://www.bogosity.tv/forum/index.php?topic=27.msg216

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Quirky Guys Hotline [Oct. 23rd, 2008|05:00 pm]
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Hey folks! Just sitting down for an hour to flip through some of the YouTube goodness I've missed since my computer's sound driver went screwy. It's amazing, considering that my first computer didn't even HAVE a sound card, and now it's as if these things are functionally defective without them.

Anyhoo, here's a little gem I caught a couple minutes ago. It's our friends, the Film Pigs. The players are Stephen Falk, Stephen Skelton, and Todd "Punch George Lucas In The Mouth" Anderson. Tired of hot men with rippling muscles and straight teeth? Call the Quirky Guy's Hotline! They're waiting!

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Earthbound 3 Fan Translation released [Oct. 18th, 2008|10:15 pm]
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Hey! Someone actually released a ROM patch for Earthbount/Mother 3! The long awaited sequel to Earthbound on the NES can now be played on your computer in English.

http://mother3.fobby.net/

All you need to do to play your questionably-legal English adaptation of Earthbound 3 is follow the dubious instructions on the website, which suggests that you buy a legal copy of the cart and then dump the ROM onto your computer. (Boy, I'm hitting every Google red flag today, aren't I, folks!)

Here's a YouTube video of the game in English...

Okay, we all know that the line about buying the cart is bullshit. Nobody involved with the translation project actually expects you to do that. They're just covering their asses legally (which is actually debatable). It's plainly obvious that the vast majority of people playing this game will be doing so from a downloaded ROM.

And besides, contrary to popular belief, Nintendo doesn't really give a crap if you buy the game used or download the ROM. Either way, Nintendo think you're scum. But above all, they don't want you spending money on old game cartridges at all. They want you spending money on new games, or at least old games from which they can profit (i.e., Virtual Console). Allegedly (in other words, according to 1Up.com), Nintendo would even rather you download a ROM every now and then than spend money on an old cartridge, because at least that your money would go to buying new games.

Now, I'm not going to tell you to just download the ROM. I'm just pointing out that Nintendo doesn't see used games sales as support. They see it as competition, and it's competition they would stop if they could.

Of course, I'm not going to lecture you either way. After all, I own this...


One can only speculate the dubious origins of this cart.
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Wheel of Stolen Fortune [Oct. 15th, 2008|08:45 am]
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You know, it's really sad how complacent we've gotten with taxes. Okay, this isn't going to be full scale rant, but I just had to put in my two cents about the big million-dollar Wheel Of Fortune winner from last night. This woman from California won the big mil, against the ridiculous odds, and instantly became the show's biggest winner of all time.

I was on the phone at the time. I go, "How much of that do you suppose she's got to pay in taxes." The person on the other line goes, "Oh, about half."

That's disgusting. I realize it's a game show, and it's not as bad as, oh say, someone who worked all of his life only to give half of his money to the government, but still I gnash my teeth over stuff like that. It's never quite sat right with me that making a lot of money is something the government feels entitled to bill you for.

It seems like this is the sort of thing that should inspire people to throw some tea into a harbor. ...figuratively speaking.
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LEAVE CAITLIN UPTON ALONE! [Sep. 29th, 2008|01:50 pm]
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SHE'S A HUMAN!!!!!

...oh, sorry about that.

But seriously, there's been a lot of people comparing Sarah Palin's interview gaffs to that of Miss Teen South Carolina, Caitlin Upton, and I'm here to plead with you all and insist that that's not fair! It's not fair to Ms. Upton, who was able to bounce back from her nervous gaff and redeem herself on the Today Show mere days after the horribly embarrassing speech...

Did you see that? That girl can really fill out a bikini!

Uhhh... I mean... err.... What I meant to say is that she recovered gracefully!

This pageant model came back on TV, still nervous, and was able to smooth things over and give us a completely understandable account for her original response. I mean, give the girl some slack. She's young, she's on national television, and she's standing next to Slater, for crissake! What girl wouldn't babble incoherently?

And even though the hosts were handing her a lot of cues and holding her hand through the thing a bit, she did, none the less, come to the show prepared. Given a second opportunity, she came back to address a question that she had completely blown on a prior occasion. Again, being a human, we can totally empathize with her. In fact, I personally would like to believe that I pulled an Upton of my own on the Webcomic Beacon a few weeks back.

However... In contrast to Upton's outstanding recovery, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has not done so well recovering from previous gaffs. In fact, she seems content to keep inventing new ones. Most recently, Katie Couric handed Palin a golden opportunity to recover from prior comments relating foreign policy to proximity with Russia. Here was Palin's opportunity to follow Upton's example and give a more constructed answer to a question she MUST have know would be coming.

Instead, she manages to muddle things further...

What are you going to do now, accuse Kathleen Parker and Katie Couric of sexism?!

Sarah Palin is not a little girl, nor is she a beauty pageant contestant. (Actually, she was, but let's not digress) She is an adult. She's running for an office in which it is her to job to have the preparation to answer tough questions. And it wouldn't even have been that hard to do so if she, you know, actually had foreign relations experience. Even someone who is nervous can feign some sort of answer under pressure.

This Thursday night, Vice Presidential nominees Sarah Palin and Joe Biden are going to debate. I can't wait to see this. I fully expect Palin to come prepared and have all of her canned responses memorized. However, I don't think she'll be able to fake her way through it for too long. Eventually, Biden's going to trail off into territory with which Palin is unfamiliar, and it'll be all over after that.

Unless she's got one hell of a tutor, this is going to be a disaster for the GOP. Perhaps Ms. Upton, who knows a thing or two about maps, could give Palin some pointers as to how knowing your proximity to another nation has no particular relation to knowing something about foreign policy.

Actually, I would find such an encounter highly amusing.


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McPalin on the bail-out [Sep. 26th, 2008|03:50 pm]
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Several months ago, I mentioned that I wouldn't lose much sleep if John McCain won the election. The reason being, despite his platform and his promises, I sincerely doubted that he could be anywhere near as bad as his predecessor. I mean, we should know by now that campaign promises are only a means of getting elected and seldom come to fruition in office. I also thought that his being a "maverick" actually meant something. Ladies and gentlemen, I was wrong. I... I'm sorry.

You know, the best thing McCain had on Obama was Obama's experience. Here's a guy (Obama) who goes around the country, and his entire campaign is "We need change", which is to say, "I'm not George Bush". And for the most part, I'm not entirely sure what that means. It's a good foundation from which to build an alternative model of leadership that I've just not heard yet. This should have been easy pickin's for McCain.

But what does he do? He picks Palin as his running mate, thus removing the experience argument from his own arsenal against Obama. This is a person (Sarah Palin) whose own foreign policy "experience", to her own admission, amounts to being able to see Russia. This, a person who govern's the largest state in the union, with a population smaller than that of even Rhode Island, and, before that, was mayor of a glorified meth lab, sometimes mistaken for a "city", which has a population significantly smaller than what most of us would consider to be a small suburb.

But, okay. I'm nitpicking. Coming from meager origins is the American dream, after all. I shouldn't pick on her for that. Maybe she can be academically smart without necessarily having the experience. Okay, let's see what she's got. Let's look past the recent Charles Gibson debacle and look at a more recent interview with Katie Couric, where she gets asked about the recent financial bail-out strategy.

Jeez, Cafferty, tell us how you REALLY feel! Did you see him snap at poor Wolf Blitzer?

I'm not sure what Palin even said. I had to play it like five times, and it seemed like she was just throwing shit at the wall to see if any of it would stick. I didn't hear anything that even resembled an actual answer.

Was it just me, or was Katie staring a hole through her, possibly thinking to herself, "Why couldn't this be Hillary?". Maybe that's just me, though.
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VenomFangX stays/Issues an apology [Sep. 22nd, 2008|09:00 pm]
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Not that you should care, but the whole copyright battle ended with a whimper. As I suspected, a smaller settlement was taken in which an apology was issued to Thunderf00t for the DMCA action against two of his videos.

Now, last time I mentioned a clause in the YouTube terms of service agreement that outlined that every YouTube user who uploads videos grants a nonexclusive license to every other YouTube user for personal use. (i.e., I can use someone's videos to make a fair use presentation if I so desire). Now, there is a follow-up clause, and it's very interesting how tenaciously some people grasp onto this.

Two paragraphs below this licensing agreement is a statute which states that at no time should YouTube users submit content that is contrary to the community guidelines. Guess what the community guidelines say. Yeah, that's right. DON'T UPLOAD COPYRIGHTED CONTENT, WHETHER IN WHOLE OR IN PART. That's the part that all of Shawn's creationists fanboys were clinging to. Cling to that clause, creationists! CLING! Stop the evil evolutionists from using your videos to make valid rebuttals! Just file a DMCA against criticism, and it'll all go away!

Litigious bastards.

So, let's review this. The Terms of Use state that by submitting to YouTube, you are licensing your videos to other users, but the Community Guidelines also say don't use material from other users in your videos. So you can, but you can't. This is such an obvious contradiction that there must be some hidden piece to all of this that isn't immediately apparent within this framework.

And indeed, there is, and I'll get to that in a minute. So, there are actually two ways to deal with content violation on YouTube. One is to file a DMCA if you are the copyright owner. The other is to FLAG the content if it violates the community guidelines. The community guidelines are much more broad, as they cover submissions of pornography, criminal activity, harassment, hate speech, and so on. Oh, and you can also submit a flag of copyright ownership if said video violates your copyright on one of your own user-submitted videos. But guess what happens when you do that.

That's right. It files a DMCA notice, complete with all the same penalties for falsification, should you be silly enough to file against someone who is using video footage legally.

And guess what happens whenever a DMCA flag is issued against a video that is working well within the guidelines of fair use. Let's ask ol' Desertphile what happens when said action was levied upon him.

That's right, it returns upon counter-notice by the actual copyright owner of the video (i.e., the channel owner). And guess what the copyright owner gets to claim to have his video restored. Yep. FAIR USE.

So basically, YouTube's copyright clause in its community guidelines is nothing more than ass coverage. It enables YouTube users to flag content that abuses copyright beyond fair use but does not actually override the user-to-user non-exclusive license.

So, once again... EAT IT, creationists! Censorship is not an argument.
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YouTube Drama: VenomFangX bites off more than he can chew [Sep. 14th, 2008|02:00 pm]
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So, VenomFangX decided to join the annals of pro-censorship apologists, such as Jason Gastrich and Kent Hovind, by file fraudulent DMCA claims against anyone on YouTube using his videos to criticize or even mirror his content. Channels that mirror allows criticism from moderates and non-believers who disagree with Shawn's idiotic creationist view of the world, as Shawn will simply delete such criticism should it appear on his own channel. It also allows people to see videos produced by Shawn that he no longer wishes anyone to see, because they're understandably embarrassing to him. (Quick remedy for that: Stop being a creationist.)

This is a long one, folks! )
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"The bellhops look like rats." "You should see the chambermaids!" [Sep. 12th, 2008|02:32 pm]
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Here's something for those of you having political blues and tired of seeing negative blog posts. It's a little musical diddy from a simpler time. Hit it!

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Bumbling Internet "Ministry" Uses Porno Music [Sep. 9th, 2008|03:50 pm]
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Aaaaahahahhahaha!!!! VenomFangX, known by many as "the NEW Jason Gastrich", has done it again. Apparently, when shopping around for royalty-free theme music for his YouTube channel, Shawn happened upon a theme that, to many, would sound like stereotypical porno music. And in fact, IT IS! Oopsy doopsy, Shawn!

In Shawn's defense, he almost certainly couldn't have known that he picked stereotypical porno music. The guy has probably never owned a porno video in his life and therefore would have no idea what porno music sounds like. To us evil atheists, however, we know exactly what porno music sounds like. And Shawn... ...buddy... ...that's porno music.

In fact, the "composition" in question was used in a "movie" entitled, "Truly Nice Tits #7: Super Sized". And here to demonstrate this is Coughlan666...

Does this mean that Shawn secretly has a porn stash? Certainly not. I doubt he'd be stupid enough (underestimating his stupidity, I know) to use porno music, as I'm sure he'd expect many of his atheist opponents to be avid porn fans. (And of this assumption, he would be most correct!) Thus, he knows that he'd get busted immediately.

I think we can attribute this to a rather amusing coincidence that will have Shawn's critics giggling for months to come.

Oh, and one last thing. Here's a pretty good parody of Shawn's new intro. Enjoy.

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Thunderfoot: The soothing voice of outrage/...And something exciting in my neighborhood! [Sep. 5th, 2008|07:30 pm]
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I love how this man can be so gosh darn soft spoken about being indignant.
And he's right, of course. Creationists do little else but attack the very system of knowledge to which we can rightfully attribute the stability of our way of living. This alone makes creationists nothing but a bunch of anti-social, self-destructive motherfuckers, and the more we can rub this in their faces, the better.

*huff!* *huff!* *huff!*


...And in other news, those of you who live near or around Chicago may have heard a news story this evening about something that happened withing spitting distance of my house! Some guy held up a bank about a mile away from here with a gun that he ganked off of a police officer. When I say "held up", I mean he held the people inside hostage. They didn't say if he was actually robbing the place.

Oh, and he's also dead now. He shot himself in the head after being cornered by the flurry of police officers that immediately swarmed in from the police station, also literally within blocks of the site of the hold-up. Guess he didn't think that one through. Dumb ass.

I don't think anyone else was hurt.
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Michael Phelps' 100M Butterfly Victory [Aug. 31st, 2008|06:30 am]
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[mood | amused]

Michael Phelps won Olympic Gold by the beat of a bumblebee's wing! Imagine how much it sucked for the other guy! See for yourself in this video.

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Earnest Borgnine is my hero [Aug. 29th, 2008|04:30 pm]
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DON'T DO IT, KATHY!!!!! [Aug. 29th, 2008|12:45 am]
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Okay, first of all, The Man Show was wrong! There ARE funny women, and Kathy Griffin is my goddess of comedy. Second, while attempting to find the video in which Kathy alleges that she asked the Hanson boys if they got a lot of pussy (one of my favorite bits of hers), I found this instead. It's Kathy Griffin contemplating becoming a Scientologist. OH NO! Say it ain't so, Kathy!!!
Whew! That was close!
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Why would you do this? [Aug. 26th, 2008|11:25 pm]
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Now, the RetroUSB website gives us a pair of cool gadgets that allow Virtual Console games to be played with the NES and SNES controllers and peripherals. Now this is a neat idea if you happen to have oh, say, the NES Advantage, the Capcom Soldier, or the ASCII Grip. But why on EARTH would you hook up the fuckin' Power Glove?
You sick, sick bastard.

They need a Sega Genesis adaptor for Virtual Console, too. You know, just because.
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The Amazing Atheist versus Li'l Sophia [Aug. 20th, 2008|06:00 pm]
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HAHAHAHAHA!!!! This is awesome...
Update: Apparently the video was taken down. A tragedy, as it was truly a comedic masterpiece.

Oh well, here's a consolation prize. It's my new favorite condescending atheist on YouTube, Mr. Pat Condell!
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Creationists: BAM! EAT IT! [Aug. 20th, 2008|06:45 am]
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Okay, another content-free post with just a video attached. Sorry, but Youtube makes it easy. I really have nothing more to contribute, so you don't really see me writing long-winded essays anymore. There are people who do this much better than I ever could.

AronRa is one such person. His videos are usually just prepared speeches that he rattles off to various stills and silent clips, but that's cool. He has a very relaxing voice, not unlike Thunderfoot.

This is his most recent video, and it's quite good.

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The Olympics [Aug. 16th, 2008|06:30 am]
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The Olympics are fairly boring, but there are some events I enjoy...
WHAT?! She's legal. Barely, but she's legal.
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Dumbest Person on the Internet [Aug. 12th, 2008|09:15 pm]
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I would just like to state in advance that I am well aware that the following individual does not represent the voice of Christianity. He is, simply enough, an idiot with an impenetrable force field made of concentrated stupid. Naturally, that makes him VenomFangX's biggest fan.

This is Tony48219, or as he's going by today, THE PRODIGY Tony48219. He's had a few aliases on YouTube, but we'll get to that in a few minutes. First, watch this video. If you have any kids, though, you might want them to leave the room. This guy fucking swears like a mother fuck. Jesus be praised!
You know, if there's anything that brings atheists to the sort of RAGE that this moron is carrying on about, it's the fact that people like him even exist. Notice how he projects his own hatred onto other people and that he apparently has a problem with homosexuals, as every other word out of his mouth is "faggot".

And this isn't even the worst one. Check out his channel, and you'll find all sorts of examples of misogyny, homophobia, and racism. He actually has a videos about how you shouldn't date a career woman and how women should stay in the kitchen. In one where he attacks black women (yeah, I don't get that either), he actually complains about women who wear pants. Um... the sixties have come and gone, pally. Get over it.

But if you're going to check out his YouTube channel, I suggest you do it really fast. See, he's had some trouble keeping his YouTube channels open. Something about suspensions and promoting hate speech. I don't know. My finger might have slipped and accidentally hit the "flag" button. Oops.

More comedy from Tony. My favorite part is where he says that Jesus "died on the fuckin' cross". Way to speak the mother fuckin' word of God, Tony.
Why do people laugh at creationists? Only creationists don't understand why.

Oh, speaking of which, here's a Thunderfoot video. Excuse me if I've posted this before. I lose track sometimes.
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